How can I explain my needs (hopes, wants) in a way that gets him to wake up?

Recently married after a whirlwind romance and have discovered that my husband’s idea of a sex life is waaay different than mine. I want play and fun and experiementation. He wants to get off and go watch the hockey game. I have attmepted talking to him, but this seems to be a deep-seated belief of his. There is no threat of infidelity, but I don’t know how long I can hang around waiting. I am frustrated and feeling cheated out of the best years of my life.

How can I explain my needs (hopes, wants) in a way that gets him to wake up?

Faithfully Horny in CBS

5 comments

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23 October 2012

  1. Lanie Doe · October 23, 2012

    Take some MDMA together and watch everything turn wonderful and exciting. :)

  2. anon · October 23, 2012

    go the extra step and get into his head/fantasies. Give him a lap dance, or do something you know would get him going. Even better tie his hands somewhere so he’s not in control anymore and you pick whether or not he gets to cum when he wants to.

    dont deny your own happiness, but you cant force someone else into something. Try to find a happy medium and slowly get into things that appeal to him.

  3. Emily Martin · October 23, 2012

    For “Faithfully Horny in CBS”:

    It is so smart of you to recognize this right away. That you are concerned and want to address this issue bodes well for you and your marriage. This is, however, a very embarrassing subject for some people. Even people who pride themselves on being open and open-minded may find it nearly impossible to discuss their own sex life openly, especially with their partner. So many of us have been led to believe that if we are in love we will have no problems sexually. full stop. Admitting any issues/disparities/challenges in the bedroom (backseat, kitchen-counter, treehouse, etc.) is deeply felt, by some people, to mean admitting a problem with their love. Of course this is not true, but a whirlwind romance is so special and so powerful that to now find that you are not in a perfect mind-body meld may be very scary for your partner. Suddenly they are faced with satisfying the woman they love more than anyone else in the world FOR LIFE. This can be absolutely paralyzing but DOES NOT get them off the hook for engaging with you. Keep talking to them and be honest and firm in what you need while understanding that, for them, admitting that these “pre-game warm-ups” together are less than mind-blowing may be really really difficult. Being specific with one or two things that you would like each time can help. If you can give good instructions then a fear of messing up is eased. Instructions may seem like the opposite of “play and fun” but you have to get him feeling as comfortable as you feel before the fun flows naturally.

    I wish there was an easy answer for this one but it is SO COMMON and so hard to tackle. Please keep trying and keep showing your appreciation for what he IS doing that you like in the bedroom. Sex creates intimacy and intimacy aides communication and good communication makes sex better and better so don’t stop trying!

    PS. is he ticklish? “bending” the bodies nerve endings with a good tickle has a funny way of easing all tensions; laughing together in bed is a great first step to, well, pretty much everything.

  4. Elena Hannah · October 23, 2012

    Hello Faithully Horny in CBS,

    In attempting to answer your very poignant dilemma, I find myself having more questions than answers. How long was this whirlwind romance? Did it include sex? If yes, was it different than now? What made you fall in love and want to marry this guy? You obviously have different scripts for what marrige should be like, and I would guess that the differences apply to areas other than sex as well. My impression, with the scant information you gave, Horny, is that you two didn’t take the time to know each other and build the relationship from the ground up, so to speak. Now that you are hitched, it would be a good idea to do just that. Rather than tackle head on the sex differences, try discovering each other as whole persons. Maybe find out likes and dislikes, ideas, values, goals, finding things you both enjoy doing together, creating good communication and rapport along the way. Another thing to try while you are working on mutual discovery is massage. There are books that teach you basic massage techniques, which you can practice on your husband while he watches the hockey game, and ask him to reciprocate. Massage can be a lead on to a sexy foreplay. Things won’t work overnight, it will take patience. Many guys don’t have a clue about pleasing a woman sexually and are too proud/inhibited/afraid to ask. Some people grew up with the idea that sex is something that only guys enjoy, and their idea of sex is based on solo sex: quick release and on to something else. Meanwhile, your desire for more varied and exciting sex is perfectly legitimate and normal. Talk it over with hubby, ask him what ideas he has about female sexuality. Do they come from porn? Locker room talk? Find a neutral place and time when there is a good feeling between you and broach the topic. He needs to know that you are hurting, and that you would like to work on a solution together. Bear in mind that our culture still gives the message that sex is dirty, which can also lead a person to try and get it over with as soon as possible and forget it… till the next time they feel the urge.

    These are only some possibilities. Feel free to write again if you need more suggestions.

  5. Nathan Downey · October 23, 2012

    Great advice from both Emily and Elena!

    Every long term relationship transitions from the excitement and thrills of the courtship period (the honeymoon phase, if you will) to the slow-burning intimacy and (if you’re doing it right) emotional stability of an extended partnership.

    This transition has been observed by neuroscientists as a change in the dominant neurotransmitters and hormones present in the brain as the relationship progresses from the short term to the long term.

    You mention that the start of the relationship was a whirlwind romance, and I’m going to assume the sex was pretty exciting during this time as well. Now that you’re entering the long-term phase of the relationship, there is an inevitable adjustment period as you both get used to sharing a life together.

    I don’t think you should be heading for the hills just yet. Focus on nurturing good communication in all aspects of the relationship so that you’ll have the right tools for establishing a sex life that fulfills the needs of you both.

    Try and be as constructive as possible when describing your needs — the male ego is notoriously fragile. If he feels like you’re not satisfied it could foment a lack of confidence and this could lead to worse problems.

    I’m glad to hear you’re planning on staying faithful, but I’m of the post-Dan Savage line of thinking, specifically that everyone deserves a rich and fulfilling sex life. If in the long term you’re not getting what you need from this relationship, I think you’d be well within your right to seek it elsewhere. But now is not the time for ultimatums or infidelities.

    Keep the lines of communication open, don’t heap too much pressure on him, and above all, keep having sex. The honeymoon phase might be over but it doesn’t mean an exciting sex life is a thing of the past too.