Sex and love advice columnist Dan Savage organizes a sex-ed gang-bang just for you.
I’m 16 and gay. I recently got into an argument with my parents over whether HIV is spread by saliva or if you can be infected during oral sex. I thought that you were safe kissing and that it’s okay to have oral sex, but that you need to use condoms for anal sex. My parents disagree and I found mixed answers searching online. I trust you, though—what do you say?
Good Gay Boy
You trust me, GGB, but your parents probably wouldn’t. And the whole point of this exchange is getting you the info/ammo you need to set your parents at ease/shoot down their arguments, right? So I’m going to step aside and let some HIV prevention pros have a crack at your questions. Think of this column as a sex-ed gangbang I’ve arranged just for you—but, um, don’t describe it to your parents that way.
“To be exposed to HIV, you would have to come in contact with someone who is HIV-positive and a fluid—semen, vaginal secretions, blood—that can transmit HIV,” says Krishna Stone, assistant director of community relations at Gay Men’s Health Crisis in New York City. “And there would also need to be a point of entry—unprotected vaginal or anal sex without condoms,” that would bring the virus into contact with mucous membranes that could absorb it.
Stone makes a great point: You can’t be exposed to HIV unless you’re having sex with someone who has HIV. The AIDS virus isn’t fire and gay men aren’t twigs; it doesn’t matter how vigorously you rub us against each other, we’re not going to suddenly burst into HIV. If you’re having sex—safe sex—with someone who’s HIV-negative like you, GGB, you have nothing to worry about on the HIV front. Well, except for your boyfriend’s truthfulness and any changes to his HIV status since his last test—which is why you should be having safe sex regardless, even if you think you’re both negative.
But let’s say you’re not with just one guy. Let’s say you’re running around having sex—safe sex—with random guys (not that I’m saying you should). Some of these guys are likely to be HIV-positive. So are you at risk of contracting HIV when you kiss poz guys?
“Kissing carries no risk of HIV transmission according to the Canadian AIDS Society’s HIV transmission guidelines,” says Rui Pires, gay men’s community education coordinator for the AIDS Committee of Toronto, “[because] saliva doesn’t transmit HIV.”
So has anyone ever been infected via kissing?
“There has been a documented case of HIV transmitted through ‘deep kissing,’ [and the infection] occurred because both of those involved had current gum disease and had bleeding gums,” says Beau Gratzer, director of HIV/STD prevention at Howard Brown in Chicago. “Generally speaking, blood must be visible in the saliva in order to pose a risk of HIV transmission.”
So promise your parents, GGB, that there’ll be no deep kissing after you and your boyfriend go get your wisdom teeth pulled together, okay?
What about oral sex? What kind of risks are there when you’re blowing guys who could be positive?
“It’s reassuring to know that your parents care about your health and well-being, but they’re misinformed about how HIV is transmitted,” says Hunter Hargraves, community initiatives coordinator at the STOP AIDS Project in San Francisco. “Oral sex is very low risk for transmitting HIV.” Low risk does not mean no risk—some men have been infected giving head. “But even though oral sex is very low risk for HIV,” adds Hargraves, “other STDs like gonorrhea and chlamydia can still be transmitted via oral sex,” giving and receiving, “and having an STD increases the potential for HIV transmission.”
What can you do to minimize the already low risk of contracting HIV when performing oral sex?
“HIV transmission is possible only if you have a cut or abrasion in your mouth or throat through which the virus can enter your bloodstream,” says Pires. So don’t go down on anyone if you have a cut or abrasion. To avoid creating one, “no flossing or brushing 45 minutes before you go down on somebody,” says Hargraves. You can also minimize your risks, says Howard Brown’s Gratzer, “[by] not getting semen/come in your mouth, reducing your number of oral sex partners, and using a [condom] while engaging in oral sex.” I’d like to add to this list: Don’t sleep with total sleazefags, don’t be a total sleazefag yourself, and don’t allow anyone to pressure you into doing anything you don’t want to do.
And now I’m going to give the last word to one of the pros…
“It’s great that you recognize that using condoms for anal sex is the best way to prevent HIV transmission,” says Hargraves. “Score one for gay youth!”
For me and my muscle-bound bondage boy, Dan, a large part of the turn-on would evaporate if somebody were “within earshot at all times,” per your advice last week. With all due respect to the grieving widow, Mrs. Bargy is an idiot. She left her husband tied up and alone for 20 HOURS? Dumb! When I leave my boy roped up and go to a movie, knowing that he’s working fiercely, angrily, and uselessly to get free while I’m gone, well… I’d hate to be denied that pleasure because some moron left her husband tied and gagged for a whole damn day. I leave my helpless goldfish home alone. Why not my tied-up plaything? Can’t an exception be made for those of us who actually have a brain?
If you leave the house and your goldfish bowl springs a leak and your precious goldfish dies, MR, you get another goldfish. If you leave the house and your muscle-bound bondage boy accidentally works himself into a position that compromises his breathing and he asphyxiates, you get indicted. But, hey, you and your boy are free to take calculated risks. But if you miscalculate, MR, be prepared to shoulder the consequences.
You told Geezer In Love, the 52-year-old man who found himself falling for a younger coworker who seemed to reciprocate his interest, “For all you know, this woman, like your coworkers, thinks you’re a creepy old lech.” My husband, who’s been my partner for 14 years, is 34 years older than I am and he is not a “creepy old lech.” Try loving, sexy, accomplished, and playful! You blithely dashed GIL’s hopes, Dan, and then insulted him. I’m disappointed.
Love My Older Husband
The fact that your husband isn’t a creepy old lech, LMOH, doesn’t prove that GIL isn’t a creepy old lech. My boyfriend is tall, blond, in his 30s, and he’s not a cannibal. Using your logic, we’d have to conclude that Jeffrey Dahmer—who was tall, blond, and in his 30s—wasn’t a cannibal, either.
And, come on, I never said that a younger person can’t fall for an older person or vice versa. But an older man who thinks he’s getting an interested vibe from a younger woman has to be on his guard against dickful thinking. GIL needs to ask himself if his coworker is truly interested before he does anything rash/idiotic/actionable. That’s all I was saying.
Oh, and speaking of older folks banging/dating/marrying younger folks, some weeks back I solicited letters from readers about the “campsite rule,” my rule for older folks dating younger folks (leave them in better shape than you found them). A selection of those responses can be read at www.thestranger.com/savage/campsiterule.