Whilst chatting with Deanne Foley, the director and co-writer of Beat Down (currently in theatres), Adam Clarke puts her wrestling cinema knowledge to the test.
All right, would you like to play a game?
A game? Does it involve drinking?
I give you full license to drink at 1:30 in the afternoon.
I’ll probably wait ‘til 5.
In a series of true or false questions, I’m going to tell you the plot of a movie featuring a wrestler. I want you to decide if it’s a real movie or if I’m making it up. There’s a valuable prize at stake! Ready?
Is this a real movie, true or false? Hulk Hogan is sent down from outer space and is tasked with protecting Christopher Lloyd from The Undertaker (who is also from space).
Oh, that’s definitely real.
Correct. The film is a little-seen gem called Suburban Commando.
That’s just a classic Hollywood story.
Was the first draft of Beat Down closer to Suburban Commando?
Definitely. You can never go wrong with aliens.
Next: a luchadore is brought in to protect the God-fearing people of a small village from vampire women. Is this a real movie?
Isn’t that Nacho Libre? No. There’s no way that’s real.
Incorrect! Santo Vs The Vampire Women is real. Next: A wrestler named Rip must face off against an evil wrestler named Zeus after said evil wrestler puts Rip’s younger brother in the hospital.
I’m going to say that’s a real movie.
Correct! That’s another Hulk Hogan vehicle, No Holds Barred.
Well, no one sets out to make a bad movie.
Filmmaking is such an ordeal that you’d have to commit. Nobody will waste a year of their life on nothing.
Everyone has to believe that they’re making the next great film. Otherwise why would you do it? You have to care about it. They have to think they’re making something that they’ll be proud of. [Beat Down co-writer] Iain Macleoud has definitely seen every wrestling movie. He was telling me about that one. It sounds hilarious. You can’t believe someone gave people money to make that movie.
No Holds Barred is great, but should never be confused with the WWE’s Shakespeare in the Park series, No Holds Bard.
Don’t tell me that’s real.
You haven’t lived ’til you’ve seen Ultimate Warrior as Hamlet! Next question: True or false — is there a film in which a young man becomes a superhero after beating Macho Man Randy Savage in the ring?
Incorrect! I’m afraid that’s an important plot point in Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man.
Wait, really? I feel like I learned something in this interview. Thank you.
The more you know!
Many thanks to Deanne Foley for playing. For getting some of these questions right, I’ll be sending her a three month supply of Slim Jims and Mr Noodles, the breakfast of champions. The grand prize of D.B. Cooper’s bag of money remains in my possession until I call on the next contestant. Who knows? The next winner may be you!
SPOILER ALERT: The next winner won’t be you. I’ve already spent the money on prostitutes and Ringolos. The more you know!