Oh man, remember when I used to do this? I barely do, having enjoyed the last month or so on vacation from my usual duties as The Scope’s resident Iron Chef of criticism. Is there anything worth seeing on the silver screen that isn’t about Batman or a young ginger archer?
That said, I can tell you which film you should most avoid: the Total Recall remake/reboot/reimagining/homewrecker. Yup. Don’t see that. Ever.
Oh, you need more? Alright. Here’s 5 easy reasons to avoid this unsightly turnip…
At no point in the remake does anyone say “get your ass to Mars!”
It co-stars Jessica Biel, an actress with such limitations that she can only very charitably be described as the poor man’s Jennifer Love Hewitt.
No part of the movie is as entertaining as this poster.
Bryan Cranston gets more to do in a single scene of Breaking Bad than he does in the entire movie.
Total Recall 2012 features a hacky, uninspiring score from the hacky, uninspiring Harry Gregson-Williams. Total Recall 1990 boasts music by Jerry Goldsmith, one of the greatest film composers of all time. Listening to that film’s expanded soundtrack works beautifully outside of the film, but demonstrates just how imaginative Goldsmith was at his peak. Ranging from bombastic, sombre, playful and comedic, Goldsmith creates a perfect through line for a chaotic, sometimes incoherent movie (that’s nonetheless an awesome action film). Hearing it on CD or in the context of the film, it’s easy to understand why the late Goldsmith considered the score to be one of his best.
Super-Special Back From Vacation Bonus Reason
Despite having a budget roughly equivalent to the gross national product of China, the & Total Recall remake has visuals on par with the average episode of Total Recall 2070.
It’s good to be back, friends. Next week: Community‘s third season.