Jon Bon Jovi is here to help you, America! The grand, aging carapace keeps his hand on his heart (which is swaddled in the American flag) as he rides into town on the back of a majestic unicorn, soaring through the sky on clouds formed from a pure gossamer nebula of cheese. Jon Bon Jovi woke up from his giant platinum bed in the sky and through the power of his magic douche goggles, he saw that America was in trouble. Instantly he knew that only his ridiculous over-produced power balladry could save the day for all the soccer moms out there in desperate need of his ridiculous, grandiloquent, throat-ripping choruses. With anthems like “Work for the Working Man”, “We Weren’t Born to Follow” and “Brokenpromiseland” he clearly is, at heart, a true working class hero and definitely not a vapid, ultra-processed, piece of auditory vomit with a thousand dollar hairdo and a cadre of image consultants.