DJ Frances Beatrix tweaks the EQ on your home stereo.
Dear Frances B.,
How do I get my partner to make more noise during sex? It turns me on but I don’t know what to say to her – she’s a pretty shy person.
– Pump Up The Volume
I’m assuming that you yourself are pretty comfortable making noise, and that’s the first place to start. If you are comfortable and noisy in the sack, then you’ve already set up a place where she’ll feel more comfortable to let go when the desire hits.
Making noise during sex, just like openly showing exhilaration, joy, love, anger, or sadness, requires a certain comfort with letting loose. The ability to let loose is something that can be found and encouraged in anyone. As we’ve all experienced, our ability to let loose comes and goes with our moods and varying levels of intimacy and comfort. Is this a new relationship? How well do you know each other? We all test the waters with people, and sometimes wait for the “go-ahead” signal before trying something out, if we’re not sure how someone will react.
How can you let her know that the noises she makes really gets you hot? Everyone’s different in the way they express themselves and only you can know how to best talk about your desire. Are you the type of person who could say over tea: “You know what? If you ever want to make noise when we’re doing it, I’d really, really like that.” Or would it suit you better to pull her close to you during sex and whisper “Can you sigh in my ear? Louder? Oh my god louder!”
If she’s normally a quiet person, maybe she has no natural urge to make noise. But! All is not lost, since most people are pretty happy to do whatever turns their partner on, once they know what it is. If she naturally sighs little sighs of pleasure, encourage her, beg her not to stop, or tell her in some other way that she’s really getting you excited. Most people respond pretty well to this kind of encouragement. If she gets a little louder, heap on the encouragement. Maybe you can even initiate them by saying “Oh make those noises you make, oh please! I love them!”
If she hesitates or expresses reservations, she might be self-conscious or embarrassed. Ask her about her feelings, and be supportive if she tries to explain. Does it seem to matter when or where you have sex? Is she embarrassed about being overheard by your housemates or the downstairs neighbours? Is she worried that she sounds weird and that you’ll be turned off if she starts making out-of-control noises? Maybe she’s never thought about it before. Find a good time to bring it up when you’re both relaxed and have time to talk. For both of your sakes, make sure that you express how you feel without implying that she’s doing something wrong, or that you expect her to ‘perform’ to make you happy.
For more inspiration, check out Talk Sexy to the One You Love by Barbara Keesling (HarperCollins, 1996), or Exhibitionism for the Shy by Carol Queen (Down There Press, 1995).
email frances at firstname.lastname@example.org or mail your questions to frances c/o the scope, po box 1044, st. john’s, a1m 5m3.