Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Beer tent, this way.
Birthdays this week: Geddy Lee (29th) Benito Mussolini (29th) and Coolio (1st).
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
I know they look fabulous, and you’re gutfounded. But under no circumstances should you consume a hotdog boiled on the shores of Quidi Vidi.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You have a short fuse this week. The tipping point will be hearing “Up The Pond” one more time. You should take Regatta Day off in the country somewhere, and consume as much alcoholic beverage as you can afford. Don’t think of it as binge drinking, think of it as self-preservation.
Scorpio (October 23 November 21)
It’s possible you could be up on charges this Regatta Day, do not throw caution to the winds. A word to the wise – leave the kids at home.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
If it’s a beautiful day, apply suntan lotion copiously, you’re going to pass out on the banks. If it’s a horrid day, wear your rain gear, you’re going to pass out on the banks. (Hey, what am I, a weather forecaster?)
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You are the natty, cleanliness-is-next-to-godliness type. Then for god’s sake, don’t go near the porta-johnnies lakeside after the first race of the morning.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Shell observers aren’t the know-it-alls they think they are. Here’s a tip from the stars – wise touts will bet the house on The Scope in the Mixed Media Race.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Simple, repetitive tasks are your forté this Regatta week – eating sausages, drinking beer, and masturbating behind the boathouse.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Cotton candy is for kids, moron.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
There’s only one ticket holding up the wheel; you can’t win if you don’t spin; one for a quarter, five for a dollar.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
Beat Butternut at 8:57:14? Better the OZ Women at 4:56:70? New shells, old story. Try your best, come back again next year.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Remember that the Royal St. John’s Regatta attracts thousands of people each year. Many of them drink too much and have too much money in their pockets. Some of them leave their homes unattended for the whole day. Opportunities like this come only once a year.