Back-to-school-oscopes for Aug 31-Sept 5, 2006

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
It’s time to forget the apple on the teacher’s desk. This time around, wrap a fifty ‘round a bottle of Old Sam or cherry brandy. 

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
This week you’ll be tempted by that student loan – you won’t believe what you could spend it on. But don’t give in to the mundane. Blow the money in style.  Rent a suite at the Fairmont and take advantage of their direct line to an escort service… Talk about an education!

Scorpio (October 23 November 21)
September… and you haven’t flunked a course yet!  Great start, IQ-monster!

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
With Pluto now a Mutt, the first week back to school will be a tough one for you.  Give in to the flow.  Cut all classes that start before noon, sign up for the hockey team, and ensure your desk is at the back of the classroom. You can’t lose what you haven’t got. Unlike Pluto.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Holy shit, you made the most of summer… Where’d those boobs come from? 

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Summer was just getting boring, thank Christ for school, eh, Cappy?  Even though you’re repeating doesn’t mean you can’t, with the tiniest bit of help from Pluto, hoodwink those new smarty-pants arseholes.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Spare the rod, and spoil the guy in front of you in algebra class who picks his nose and eats the snot.  Smack him good. Your karma needs the points.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
School’s back! It’s Frosh Week! Pluto’s out of the picture! …

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
First week of school, new friends, new teachers, new handshakes.  With all this senses-zapping, you’re susceptible.  But not as susceptible as they are with Pluto out of the way.  Play on their weakness and it all could be yours.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
With Pluto out of your life, all you have to worry about is Uranus. A couple of back-stabbings, lies, and generous bribes in receptive hands and you are on your way. You could even be fucking Pope! You merely need apply yourself. Drop me a line at, I’m available to do your personal charts … for an agreeable fee.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
A career will open before you.  Or perhaps, you will open for a career.  Life as anus-clenching adventure!  Cave diving.  Human spelunking.  Perhaps a job at a boarding school.  With Pluto gone you’re all alone, so don’t look back.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Pluto never did have much of an impact on you. Now it’s official.