Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Opportunity is knocking: Think Mount Pearl. I know it’s hard to think about Mount Pearl, what’s there to think of? That’s my point. Nobody else is thinking about Mount Pearl either. Time to open a rub ‘n’ tug in that burg, and give it the heady sense of a city.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Business aspects rock this week if you live in the Gower St. / George St. / Livingstone St. triangle. The smell of money lingers: kids with their first student loan, MHAs with excess constituency funds, oil patch wannabe’s itching for their Morning Wake-up. Time to get cracking, tiger!
Scorpio (October 23 November 21)
Religious symbolism abounds in all your dreams under Scorpio this week. Bad dreams of Sister Mary “X”.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Deny yourself something this week and become a stronger person for it. Give up, say, something like, oh, I don’t know … bitching?
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You’re experiencing difficulty in motivating yourself. Time to light a fire. Hell, torch the whole block!
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Dark days in the old East End for you, Joe Btfsplk. When all the bills come in, it’ll be about as much fun as a colonoscopy on a full stomach.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’re pissing battery acid; there are suppurating lumps on your lips and unknown rubbery nubs on your genitals. Ahhhh … love. Aren’t you glad you’re no longer a virgin?
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You’re either experiencing the rotund pull of Saturn, Aries, or you’re on drugs … bad drugs. Lay low this weekend, read a good book. Actually, things look so bad for you, you should read a bad book if it keeps you inside your relatively safe house. Don’t answer the door! A warrant awaits.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Home renovations are in the stars for you, Taurus. Improvement of any kind would be attractive, but Saturday and Sunday are auspicious days for getting out the sledge hammer and creating a new open look in your place.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
The grow-op seemed like a good idea, but now who do you sell to? Geminis are notoriously paranoid. You suspect even your oldest friends of being deep cover narcs. I’m here to tell you that one of them is.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Everything is bad news. Even if you get good news, it turns out to be bad. Just you watch.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Opening your lover’s mail is not a service to them. Listening to their phone conversations is not checking the equipment to see if it works. Following them to class in a disguise is not method acting. You are fucked up. Face facts. See a shrink. Or up the dose.