By Madame Lyra Togos
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
This is the sign in the zodiac that says “stop.” Stop now. Can’t you see what this babe with the stiff nipples is doing to you? Can’t you see what she’s after? No? Then what are you doing Saturday night, anyway, sailor?
Happy birthday: George W. Bush, Lesley Clements, Ringo Starr, Kevin Bacon, Jessica Simpson. E-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You are fucked. No doubt. Totally, unmitigatedly, fucked. Give up. It’s a waste of effort, breath and space. Just go away.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
I’d have that mole on your back checked by a professional.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Give over to your impulses. It’s a time to pamper yourself, indulge your wildest desires and get the butter, if you know what I mean. Tubby.
Scorpio (October 23 November 21)
You are riding a high. Your planets are aligned for portentous events. Everything you touch blooms. You possess intelligence, an inner beauty, charm, great humour and sexual magnetism. Get out of Newfoundland before it’s too late.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
It’s not all about you.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
On the other hand, it is all about you.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Don’t believe the naysayers. You look great in assless chaps.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
All signs are auspicious for you to make a complete change in your life track. Give up that job, switch that major, leave that husband, abandon those children, donate all that money to a fringe church, put down the pets. Whatever you do will be for the better.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A life of crime would be a fine choice for you to make in the next week or so.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Steadfast. Rooted. Sensible. Thoughtful. Patient. No wonder you can’t get laid. Loosen up, chum!
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
What did you think he’d turn out like? You met him on George St. one Friday night and spent the next three days smoking off a tinfoil tray with a glass tube. You’re lucky you still have some clothes. Have you had an STD test yet? Consider it.