Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
I know I know you from somewhere. Police line-up? The crack-house on Gower? City council?
Birthdays this week: Alex Trebek (22nd) Monica Lewinsky (23rd), Jennifer Lopez (24th), and Sandra Bullock (26th).
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Dissolute. Your sign is bare. You’ve run out the string. All the good that’s ever going to happen for you has come and gone. If the cheese is green, then throw it away.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
I’ve never seen a life ruined by booze the way you’re ruining yours. You are a credit to the advertising muse.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Don’t bother redecorating the trailer. Torch it. Two birds, one stone.
Scorpio (October 23 November 21)
Oral sex is not the answer. It’s the question.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Be patient with your parents this weekend. And if they’ve got anything of value, you want it when they go.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Your stamina and endurance this week are exemplary. Paint the fence, run the marathon, rent some love.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You can work very well on your own this week. Like you haven’t been masturbating for years?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Yeah, yeah, I know the boss is a prick. But riddle me this – how will you make the payments on your eight-ball habit without him?
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Your crew is grinding you. There’s usually safety in numbers. But mind your back for awhile. The grind is personal and someone you trust wants your place at the trough.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
One more day at the terminals, that’s all you need. One more good day. Then you can cut up the credit cards, pay off the loan, get the kids and the car back. One more good day. I’d say … how about tonight? You’re lucky, baby!
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
Welcome to our automated personal Astroloscope service. Please say the month and day of your birth. Say it like “April 4”. Did I hear you say “November 31st?” Sorry. My mistake. Just say the month and day of your birth. Say it like “April 4.” Did I hear you say, “Go fuck yourself?”