Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
You are guileful, secretive, yet outgoing, charming and persuasive. The CSIS type. You … just a second. Don’t I know you? Aren’t you the guy who swiped my credit card and cellphone?
Birthdays this week: Cheech Marin, Jesse Ventura, Nelson Mandela, David Hasselhoff. E-mail: email@example.com
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good news! The evidence is inadmissible!
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Never has someone been born under a more inappropriate sign than you. Virgo. The Virgin. Yeah, suuuuurrrrre. That night on Topsail Beach? Remember that?
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Wisdom suggests you clear the decks for a stormy period in the week ahead – love, work, financial dealings – all will require sensitive handling. Too bad you’re so stunned. This time next week, you’ll be crying in everybody’s beer.
Scorpio (October 23 November 21)
Your love knows no bounds. Firm fruit, raw meat, or mid-sized animals. Time to put a halt to all of this before you get caught.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Put it down. Put it down, I’m telling you.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You don’t shower. Your teeth are questionable. You pick your arse. And you complain about being single?
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
A lovely time for a new piercing. Pick something seasonal – dead capelin from the beach?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This week your scent will be irresistable to the opposite sex … of the elm spanworm.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Ah, Your Ripeness. Remember the time you thought you were pregnant but it was just your winter weight? This time, get yourself a Clear Blue Easy p.t.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
The stars are blinking in your life. …Hey, those aren’t stars! You’ve just woken up on the living room floor with the Christmas tree lights flashing. What have you been doing for the last seven months?
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
I don’t know anything about astrology, is that what you think, Gemini? I know this about you, you bloated, self-important bully. Don’t start something you can’t finish, not with me, boyo.