Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Do not share your drugs. Keep them out of the reach of your parents, your pets and your formerly-best buddy.
Birthdays this week: Martha Stewart (3rd) Louis Armstrong (4th), Mata Hari (7th).
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Refill all your medications regularly. Somebody is counting on you.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
What did you do last weekend – that rash, the itching and swelling, the trouble breathing, the wacky dizziness. I’d try church for a change this Sunday.
Scorpio (October 23 November 21)
I was a teenager once. So were you. On no account enter your teen’s room. Even if they’ve nothing to hide (highly unlikely) you don’t want to find out. If you insist on this foolhardy pursuit, rent a good HazMat suit and dispose of anything that disgusts you or that you don’t recognize.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Business partnerships this week need a good, high colonic. Flush thy system, brothers and sisters, for poison you hadn’t noticed lurks there.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
There’s a miasma in outer space. Your planets are in disarray. What it means is that there are peculiar goings-on with your memory this week. Don’t be flustered by the failure to remember your anniversary, your spouse’s birthday, or that $650 you owe me.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
At work this week, you have the opportunity to fill somebody’s hole with quick-drying cement. If it’s who I think it is, then make the most of the moment.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
No matter how attractive the proposition, don’t – I repeat for emphasis – do not get on the stage at the Folk Festival this weekend.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
It’s true – if you hiccup, burp and fart at the same time, you die.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Planet shadow! Planet shadow! Your past life returns this week. This may not be a bad thing, but … You must be firm, all financial arrangements that were made then are still final. You’ve nothing left to give.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
Yup, a strange week in the stars. You are at a disadvantage in all international relations. I know there’s gold in them thar hills, but Kyrgyzstan wins, you lose. Don’t sign the contract; unless, of course, you believe the gun is loaded.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Show up. Shut up. Drink up. Get out.