Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Office politics play against you, unless you play, too. Fake some reports, or make some bogus phone calls, leave incriminating evidence around somewhere… Counterfeit motel receipts, bullshit parole violations, phony nude photos… Your co-worker is your enemy. You are behind the eight ball and need to get ahead of the cue.
Birthdays this week: Billy Ray Cyrus (25th), Paul "Pee-wee" Reubens (26th),
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Don’t believe what they’re saying about you. You are not a slut, you don’t sleep around, you won’t bend over backwards to please … say, would you like to step out for a coffee?
Scorpio (October 23 November 21)
You’ve got to stop sampling the George St. wieners … and I don’t mean the ones off the steam carts.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
I know you’ve heard the urban legend that electrical charges juice up your sex life, but come on, you’re an adult now, take your finger out of the socket.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You’ve been warned, okay? At 4:00 a.m. on a Sunday morning, the Lord’s Day, for Christ’s sake, you get the taxi you deserve.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Family relations are a problem for you this week. You really will have to apologize to your mother for “accidentally” stabbing her at the anniversary party.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’re friendly, affable, everybody’s chum … chump, more like it! When are you going to grow up? Not only can you not please all of the people all of the time, you can’t please some of the people any of the time. The more you try, the more they hate you. Life lesson, loser.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Ensure condom usage at all times during sexual intercourse. After all, who’s looking after your parents now, you? Don’t make me laugh, you aries-hole.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Don’t get on your high horse at work about anything. Only famous generals on statues get on their high horses. And they all end up with shit on their heads. Don’t get pigeon shit on your head.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
All cut and no coke makes crack a dull high. It also creates disgruntled customers. Unless you’re planning on leaving town in the next twenty-four hours, you should consider the anger of a duped client.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Soon you’ll be old enough so that a lifetime warranty is not the attraction it once was.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
There appears to be some action for you on the work front. EI has rejected your claim, so back to the beauty salon with you!