Astroloscopes for Aug 17-23, 2006

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You’ve heard all about it.  Perhaps it’s the reason you visited St. John’s.  Or maybe you’re here with a convention and thought you’d check it out.  Maybe you’ve lived your entire life in Mt. Pearl and now want some action.  But be very aware, George Street is not for the faint of heart.  And remember, STDs are our largest export commodity.

Birthdays this week: Donnie Wahlberg (17th) Tipper Gore (19th), H.P. Lovecraft (20th), Vera Miles (23rd).

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Caught with your finger in the proverbial pie, this week you have two options – blush and apologize, or ram in your whole hand.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
We measure our successes on many gradients, from small, humble, yet reaffirming rewards to huge achievements turning gigantic dividends. But you, my friend, are going backward. Disaster following disaster. This is a week to be wary … do not make any investments.

Scorpio (October 23 November 21)
You can’t keep your pants on, can you, Scorpio? In the pheromonic late-summer lust-blizzard of multi-partner fuck-fests, be careful … don’t sting yourself with that throbbing tail.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
The corporate world opens its wood-panelled, stainless-steel, armed-guard patrolled doors for you … and deposits you unceremoniously on the sidewalk of rejection and unemployment.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Capricorn … the water bearer.  Your ankles are bloated for a reason, then.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
That bogeyman that’s been hiding behind your bathroom door?  It’s finally moved. Underneath your bed.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Dad’s out on parole, mom’s got a day pass, your brother’s hiding from the Fort McMurray police in your basement, but don’t answer the phone, it’s your ex’s lawyer looking for overdue child support payments.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Eating is a simple pleasure, so don’t spoil it for the rest of us. Close your mouth while chewing.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Last weekend before going off the rum coolers and getting serious about returning to school, Taurus.  Let’s get loaded and hop in that little KIA of yours!  Whitbourne, here we come!

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
Fruit booters beware … board bunny gonna land a goofy-foot in your sack.  Word.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Let me guess.  You’re, what, high school?  University?  CONA?  Post-grad?  Unemployed?  … Ah!  Got you.  If you’re not already, then be prepared.  This fall will be your fall.