Do not follow Dave Sullivan‘s advice on the classic tribute band extravaganza.
Have you ever been thunderstruck? Have you had The Wall in your tape deck since it came out in 1979? Do you hear a bustle in your hedge row?
Well, don’t be alarmed now, it’s only The Classic Rock Experience.
In honor of such an auspicious evening of rock and roll tributation (it’s a word, look it up), I’ve put together a little guide to maximizing your fun on that hot night of rock magic.
First things first, half of being a fan of classic rock is talkin’ the talk.
Check it one time, bro.
Somebody comes up to you and starts talkin’ smack, sayin’ how Zeppelin were overrated and how The Who were the true measurement of rock. You be sure to remind that ‘person’ that Keith Moon was the dude who named Zeppelin, and then proceeded to not live no more… ever… again… not even in the eighties.
A lot of folks dump all over AC/DC’s Angus Young because of his outfit. Sayin’ how stupid it is and junk like that. Let me tell you something, if I could fit into my school uniform, I’d be wearin’ it too. I’d walk down the road in my Beavers outfit, with the little blue hat and yellow tail stickin’ out if I could. I don’t care. Shoot, I’d wear a Brownie costume if I could. It’s an accomplishment.
What ever you do, never, and I mean never let anyone talk smack about Pink Floyd. It ain’t right. It’s one step away from talkin’ smack about a fella’s Mamma or a lady’s Daddy. It ain’t cool. Pink Floyd are gods among men. I mean they made that Pompeii place famous, there was nothin’ there before that but a museum or something.
Like any great classic rock fan, I feel like Pink Floyd’s music doesn’t just play into my ears, but rather moves through my entire body as if I’m the lone vessel for its greatness.
If you’re goin’ to the big show, you gotta dress like a big man. I recommend goin’ to your local denim wholesaler and get to buyin’ some dungarees that a fella can really rock out in, while at the same time maintaining that outright sexiness that comes with being a fan of classic rock.
For the men I recommend Wranglers, ’cause they’re tight and show off what you’ve got. …Maximize your potential. You know, junk-wise?
For the ladies I suggest you go to the toddlers section and pick out the tightest pants you can find. I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking, “why do I have to do this? It’ll just hurt.” Just remember, after an hour in tight pants, your circulation will be so restricted you will not only be numbed to the point of comfort, but also unable to feel any more pain whatsoever. So before you’ve even arrived at the gig, things are lookin’ up for you.
Alright fellas, listen close. Losin’ some hair over the years? Up top, that is? No sweat man, I can dig it. You gotta get yourself some cappage. Hop in your Firebird and head on over to Value Village where there is an assortment of classic rock choices from REO Speedwagon to Mötley Crüe. And hey, don’t forget to buy mesh so you can let your brain breathe.
And ladies? Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you. I hope you’re in shape. ‘Cause I got three words for you: tease, tease, tease. Get those biceps flexin’ and get that hair higher than Atlantic Place. I want that hair so high planes are going to have to radio in to ask for permission to go around it. I want that hair so high that Google Earth can pick up each and every one of you at that concert.
Come on ladies, make it happen!
Lotta ladies ask me about product, you know, should I use Vidal Sassoon or Panteen, that kinda stuff? I say the same thing every time out: Crest toothpaste, gasoline, and Elmer’s Glue. Works like a charm.
Fellas, remember to always keep your smokes down to waist level. Never forget that the ladies are highly flammable due to the gallon or so of product they just sprayed onto their heads.
One final note to always remember: Bands love it when you scream “Freebird.”
Have fun kids.
Illustration by Kira Sheppard.
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The Classic Rock Experience—with tribute bands Led Zepplica, Back in Black, and The Pink Floyd Experience—will be at Mile One Centre on Oct 7, 8pm. To purchase tickets ($39.50) call 576-7657, 1-800-361-4595, or visit www.admisson.com