Jonathan Adams and Elling Lien are prepared for the second annual St. John’s Zombie March this Saturday – Are you?
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Recently-secured documents exclusive to The Scope indicate an imminent threat to the safety of the general Newfoundland populace. Our children, businesses, communities, and all that we hold precious and dear may be at stake.
Doctor of Counternecroanimology and decorated zombie-slayer-for-hire Dr. Adriaans Ramsbladdersen recently faxed us a set of documents forecasting the revival of tens or hundreds or thousands of brain-hungry undead in the Avalon region of Newfoundland within less than a week! By the time this sees print, the soulless beasts may have already invaded. It may already be too late.
Today’s youth recklessly underestimate and even mock the zombie peril with events such as this Saturday’s second annual St. John’s Zombie March, from Cowan Heights to Bowring Park.
Little do these punks caked in makeup and doused in fake blood know, genuine zombies could be lurking among them, perfectly disguised and waiting for their chance to strike!
“I have developed a machine which predicts the occurrence of undead within a 200-mile radius of the sensor,” claims Dr. Ramsbladdersen by long-distance telephone connection. “It detects the level of Tetrodotoxin in the atmosphere, which is a known byproduct of zombie reanimation.”
Participants in the youth-organized Zombie March will lurch across intersections, roam city parks, and hang out in Dairy Queen. But the real zombie threat is even more serious!
We at The Scope tried to warn the organizer of the march. She wished to remain anonymous and she refused to listen to reason.
“Last year there was a lot of confusion about what the point of the zombie march is,” she said. “So if you’re wondering, it’s just to have fun.”
It is precisely this carefree attitude that jeopardizes the safety of all who participate in the march, and those who dare to approach it.
Zombie marches have become popular over the past few years, with the largest manifestations occurring in Vancouver, Toronto, and Montreal. Typically, the marches end with a picnic.
One Montreal group of self-proclaimed “hipster zombies” attacked a group of medievalists battling with duct-tape swords on Mont-Royal park. Luckily, the zombies were defeated, for according to Dr. Ramsbladdersen, as many as twenty genuine zombies were detected in the area by his machine.
It may be news to you that Newfoundland has had a zombie “problem” for quite some time.
Zombies originate in African and Caribbean voodoo cultures wherein the right combination of Tetrodotoxin (TTX) and certain hallucinogenic powders induce a death-like state in whoever ingests the mixture.
As part of our careful examination of the subject, we contacted Dale Jarvis, local ghoul expert most notorious for hosting of the St. John’s Haunted Hike. With expert journalistic skill, we succeeded in eliciting this quote from him, via electronic courier:
“Honestly […] I’ve […] heard of […] NL zombie stories. […]Screech is […] Haitian, [and … ] there is a connection there!”
Jarvis refused to elaborate what the connection was, but we feel that by citing a local and scientific authority on the subject we have sufficiently convinced you that there is a very strong historical connection between Newfoundland and Haiti, and that zombies were likely transported alongside rum and imported here at some unrecorded part of our history.
Local lore recounts tales of how, on the off-season, Seal hunters could fetch a fair wage by capturing zombies and returning them to their proper burial places.
Recognizing that it is probably too late to dissuade the doom-eager youth from participating in the Zombie March, we append here a list of methods for distinguishing genuine zombies from fake and how to subsequently destroy them:
How to distiguish a genuine zombie:
1. When you pinch a real zombie, it grabs your arm and lunges for your brain.
2. A zombie does not experience “brain-freeze” when it has eaten Dairy Queen. Unless it has eaten a real dairy queen.
3. When you tickle a real zombie, it grabs your arm and lunges for your brain.
4. Real zombies are horrible at paper-rock-scissors.
How to extinguish a genuine zombie:
1. Punch it in the arm.
2. Tickle it.
3. Feed it Dairy Queen.
4. Sever its head and burn it.
This year’s Zombie March will begin in the park next to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints on Ferryland Street East in Cowan Heights. From there, it will go up Cowan Avenue, down Canada Drive, through the Villiage Mall and down Topsail Road to Bowring Park. Then it’s through the park and on to a zombie picnic. Meet at 2pm for makeup.
Last year there were approximately 50 zombies, and this year the organizers hope to have a hundred or more. You can get in touch with them at email@example.com
To see The Scope’s zombie photoshoot, click here.